Terror at the Checkout
by Caroline Michelle
Summary: Heero is a grocery check out clerk who's being stalked. Short ficlet request for Driley.


Today is my "unbirthday." _Mumble_ years ago, my mother was supposed to give birth to me. Unfortunately, I tend to be lazy and I didn't pop out for nine more days. So, to mark the auspicious occasion of my birthday (it's one of those awful ones that end in 0), I thought I'd do a countdown… a fic a day until the sad moment I enter a new decade (kicking and screaming). I asked for ficlet requests a while ago, and they've been both fun and challenging to work with. Thanks for the ideas!

Title: Terror at the Check Out  
Author: Caroline  
Pairing: 1+2+1, R+1  
Rating: PG-13  
Warnings: Suggestiveness, vegetable abuse, slutty Relena  
Notes: For LJ user driley1. His ficlet request was, "Heero and Duo, working as a cashier/bagger team at a supermarket, making double entendres involving the food they're ringing up and other lewd comments, and possibly going off on 'break' together at the end."  
Additional notes: Sadly based on a true story.

* * *

"Oy Heero. Don't look now, man, but Miss Priss is headed for your line."

Heero snapped out of the nice daydream he'd been having -- involving a warm, hard body and a pair of handcuffs he'd been given for his birthday last month -- while scanning can after can of cat food and looked in the direction Duo had gestured. He groaned and wondered if it would be unprofessional to duck and hide beneath his conveyer belt.

'Please don't come to my line, please don't come to my line, please don't... argh!' He sighed and finished scanning Mrs. Anderson's order. He glanced at the vision in pink out of the corner of his eye while the elderly woman fished around in her purse for her change. Relena Peacecraft was watching him like a hawk... about to devour a mouse.

"What do you think she's buying this time?" Duo asked as he finished bagging the cat food and placed it in the cart. "What was it last time?"

"A special order cake made in the shape of herself... naked," Heero groaned, glad that the nice old lady still digging at the bottom of her purse for change was mostly deaf.

Duo laughed and leaned against the bagging counter. "That's right. You 'accidentally' smashed one of her frosted boobs against the top of the box."

"She offered to let me lick it off," Heero replied with a shudder.

"And the time before that, it was whipped cream and underwear, right?" Heero noted the twinkle in Duo's eyes. His friend was enjoying his discomfort just a little too much.

"I didn't even know we _sold_ underwear," he replied. "This is a grocery store for Christ's sake."

Duo shrugged. "We sell lawn furniture and exercise equipment, too. Besides, you never know when you'll find yourself in a situation where you have to run in for a gallon of milk and suddenly think to yourself, 'Oh! I need new underwear!'"

Heero rolled his eyes at Duo as Mrs. Anderson handed him a fistful of change, telling him she almost had the right amount. "That would never happen, Duo."

"I don't know. There's been a couple of time when I've been out clubbing and accidentally lost mine," his friend replied with a smirk.

"'Accidentally'?" Heero asked with a raised eyebrow.

Duo grinned. "Well, accidentally on purpose."

Mrs. Anderson finally fished out the last of her change and handed it to Heero. He entered her amount into the computer, then swore under his breath as the receipt printer jammed.

"So, any bets on what it'll be this time?" Duo asked, as Heero popped open the cover and began to poke around with the printer's innards.

"On what what'll be?" Heero looked up to see their friend and co-worker Hilde sidle up to the counter.

"Pretty in Pink is back," Duo replied.

"Oooh! Five bucks says it's a turkey baster!"

Heero tried not to gag.

"I'll see that. Five says it's a banana and a bottle of chocolate sauce."

Heero pulled shredded receipt tape out of the printer and snapped the cover back on. He glanced at his friends and glared. "You two are a couple of perverts."

"Takes one to know one, Yuy," Duo replied, sticking his tongue out at him.

Heero gave the receipt to Mrs. Anderson and Hilde gallantly offered to take the cart out for her. "Let me know who wins, the bet, Heero," she said over her shoulder. "I don't trust monkey boy there."

Duo flipped her the bird behind his back.

Heero took a deep breath, gathered his courage, and smiled at Relena as she stepped up to the register and placed her basket on the conveyer belt.

"Good afternoon, Miss Peacecraft," Heero said through clenched teeth.

"Heero, darling. I've told you to call me Relena." The girl draped herself over the edge of the counter, leaving Heero with no choice but to look down her barely-covered cleavage. He swallowed a gag and reached for her basket.

"Did you find everything you needed today, miss?" he asked, trying to look anywhere but at her.

She gave him a dramatic sigh. "Not until I saw you were working, Heeero." God how he hated the way she drew out his name.

Behind him, he heard Duo stifle a snicker.

He reached into her basket and pulled out her purchases. When he saw what he had in his hands, he blinked. Then blinked again.

Three cucumbers and a box of condoms.

"A girl gets soooo lonely sometimes," she said, batting her eyelashes at him.

He heard Duo choke behind him. He didn't dare turn to look at his friend as he fumbled for the produce code for the cucumbers.

"That'll be $6.87, please," he said.

Relena pouted as she fished around in her cleavage for money.

Heero wondered if it were too much to ask to die at that very moment.

"Would you like these double bagged, miss?" Duo asked.

Heero wondered if it were too much to ask for Duo to die at that very moment.

"Whatever," the girl replied as she pulled a ten dollar bill from her breasts. Heero took it gingerly and quickly processed her change.

"Have a nice day, Miss Peacecraft," he said as he handed her the receipt.

She gave him a simpering smile as she took her bag from Duo. "My address is on that bill," she said, winking at him. "I'll be up... all... night..."

Heero grunted and vowed to give away that ten at the first opportunity he got.

Duo burst into tearful laughter as she walked away. Heero glared at him and logged out of the register. "I'm going on break," he said, needing a breath of fresh air.

"I think I'll go with you," Duo replied through his tears.

"God, she never gives up," Heero growled as they made their way to the back of the store where the employee break room was located.

"There is a simple solution, you know," Duo replied as he held the door open for Heero, closing it firmly behind them.

"What's that?"

Heero found himself pushed against the wall, Duo's mouth on his and Duo's hands down his pants.

"Tell her you're gay."

Heero smiled against his lover's lips. "And ruin your fun?"

Duo grinned at him. "You spoil me."

Heero groaned as Duo's fingers worked their way deeper into his pants. "God, how long until we get off?"

"Five minutes?"

Heero rolled his eyes. "No, idiot. Work."

"Ah. Another coupla hours." Duo leered at him. "Why?"

"I've suddenly got a craving for cucumber sandwiches."

--End

My brother, in high school, worked in a supermarket. He told me a story one day of a woman who came through his line with three cucumbers and a box of condoms -- and nothing else. He said she gave him a creepy grin. I think he transferred to the floral department soon after that.


End file.
